The Captain's Logbook


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[Voidwater-verse] Hire a Human

by Caiggas
04 October 2018 at 01:13:19



From a pamphlet provided to every captain in the United Spaceways upon purchase of their first ship.


Many dangers await the space traveler.

Pirates and protection rackets plague the merchants of the hyperlanes.

Local despots and religious cults assimilate passing wanderers.

Wandering black holes and uncharted asteroid fields ensnare the unwary explorer.

Elder gods and psionic leeches consume those who move in the void.

Unexpected maintenance issues and fuel shortages strand the cargo hauler.

These are but a fraction of the dangers which endanger the unprotected captain.

The United Spaceways has partnered with the Voidwater Security Group to offer you this opportunity:

Hire a Human today and survive! -

I am Emperor Tar'arin'le'talinalet of the United Spaceways and I approve this message.

The Voidwater Security Group does not guarantee your continued sanity upon hiring a human. The Voidwater Security Group does not guarantee the survival of your caffeine or alcohol supplies upon hiring a human. The Voidwater Security Group does not guarantee the continuation of any manufacturing warranties on your machinery upon hiring a human engineer. The Voidwater Security Group does not guarantee that your onboard computers will not become sentient and attempt to kill your crew upon hiring a human programmer. The Voidwater Security Group especially does not guarantee the continued virginity of any of your crew's daughters upon hiring human soldiers. The Voidwater Security Group does not guarantee that said daughters, or sons, or previously nonverbal pets will not spontaneously learn human expletives upon hiring a human. The Voidwater Security Group urges any captain hiring a human to schedule class 9 psychological reconditioning for all crew upon completion of the intended travel plan. Attempting to damage a human of the Voidwater Security Group may cause the utter annihilation of the offender and their genetic line by the full might of the Terran Armada. The Voidwater Security Group urges you to have a nice planetary rotation.